A few months after the break up I remember having a conversation with this guy. Although I’m probably paraphrasing exactly what he said, I’ll always remember the essence of it because I hadn’t really thought about it that way:
Him:*drops some line*
Me: To be honest I’d rather get back with my ex than start a new relationship with anyone
Him: So you’re going to give him a second chance when you haven’t even given me a first?
At that point in time I said ‘no’ primarily because relationships are emotionally draining. I’d have to write a whole other blog about how much I hate the phrase “I want to get to know you” (and it’s variations). However, had the ex suggested we get back together I might have agreed, mainly because it would have been more convenient than ‘starting over’ with someone new. But truth be told, I didn’t need either potential relationship, so it’s just as well I stayed single.
Processing
My self-esteem wasn’t the highest just after the break up, and it would have been easy to accept the advances of any guy that showed me attention. Everyone likes compliments, right? But treating only the symptoms, and not the underlying cause (of anything) is never a good idea. A relationship wouldn’t have fixed me. Instead, I embarked on a long period of reflection. Super long.
This time I had the good sense to turn to God instead of the singers/food in the previous post. It took the best part of a year to process all the aspects of the break up (e.g. self-worth, communication, purpose etc). Walking into any new relationship before I had done this would have been unhealthy.
You may be wondering if the very next guy to take an interest in you is worth saying ‘yes’ to? Or that perhaps you should take your ex back… Only you can make that call. But what I would say, is that a rebound guy isn’t going to fix your problems. Neither is your ex – you broke up for a reason, right? You need to take the time to ask yourself “what’s changed?” (internally, and with him).
Don’t let the fear of being alone force you to be in the wrong relationship.
Waiting
“He has made everything beautiful in its time” (Ecclesiastes 3:11a)
This verse was such an encouragement to me during this period because it reminded me to be patient. It wouldn’t have been a good idea to force a relationship simply because being single was ruining the plan of being married in my mid-20s. I’m not sure when my time will be, but with hindsight, I’m glad it wasn’t then.
So…
Give yourself the time and space to heal before ‘putting yourself out there.’ I’ve seen this quote on Instagram a few times lately, and its so true:
“If you don’t heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people that didn’t cut you” – Unknown
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