Clarity Beyond The Tears


You never think it’ll happen to you until it does. I became…. a crier. Guys, I have never cried so many times, and for so long in all of my life. Letting go of someone that you’ve known for almost 3 years, and had been in a relationship with for just under 2 was not the easiest. And you know when they say “God has a sense of humour”? They’re not joking! The day before we went on a break (that would eventually become a breakup) – which topic did I teach on? A variation of Preparing for Your Second Marriage? – the funny thing is, as I shared that message I wasn’t all that sold on “my Maker being my husband.” I already had a physical person that was ‘going to be’ my husband, so that message was for everyone else. Not me. I couldn’t have been more wrong!

I can’t remember when I stopped crying, but what I do remember is that almost anything up until that point would set me off. From flashbacks to good/bad memories and seeing old gifts/letters, to being around other happy couples and walking past restaurants we’d been to… pretty much everything had an association! I’d like to say that prayer and seeking God got me through that time. But honestly, I owe a lot to Cassie, TLC, Mario, and Trey Songz. They were the real MVPs! Shoutout to Starbucks and Dominos, too!

As I thought about what I would write in the post, I came across a note in my phone that said “I want the satisfaction of knowing that it was all him, but it’s humbling to be reminded that I had a part to play, and a big one at that.” The tears weren’t just for a relationship lost. A relationship that that had so many plans and dreams attached to it. The tears were for recognition that I, upon reflection, was not the Grace that I could have been. And I would never get to change that.

A few months ago, a friend asked me about how I got over my ex. I’ve pretty much copied and pasted what I said:

Hmm in all honesty I’m not sure how to answer this. For me, my breakup felt like it went in phases: 

  1. Thinking he was the best thing ever, and no one could ever be like him. Whilst also blaming him for not wanting to try harder to ‘keep me/relationship’ [accompanied by a shed load of tears]
  2. Realising that actually I had a lot to do with the breakup too, and there are personal character flaws I need to work on. (Those flaws contributed to this breakup, and will lead to issues in the next relationship unless I deal with them)
  3. Realising that thinking about his motives, and what I feel he could/should have done won’t help me personally i.e. I can’t keep thinking about what I wish he had said/done. 
  4. Embracing singleness and being thankful for the things the relationship and breakup taught me. 
  5. About a month ago, I started praying for my future husband. Not because I want to be in a relationship right now, but because when I pray about the things I struggle with (point 2) I realise that he might have the same issues so I enjoy praying about this imaginary person. It also reminds me that there isn’t only 1 person for me… there’s life beyond him so long as the next guy truly loves God and wants to be led by Him, then they’re the raw materials for making it work.

It gets less painful as time goes on. But you can’t forget that person because the memories won’t go away.


I’m not sure if you can relate to my particular stages. However, if you’ve recently gone through a breakup, please know that it does get better. Eventually. Stay strong!


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