Your Purpose Determines Your Relationship

“We would have broken up anyway,” he said. I can’t recall exactly what prompted the statement; however, I remember feeling confused that it was diametrically opposed to the future plans we had made. Together. I couldn’t deny that there was some truth to what he said… in some ways we were great for each other, in others we simply weren’t. For the longest time I tried to dismiss the things that made me believe the latter. But funnily enough, I’m now incredibly grateful that it did end – especially in relation to purpose.

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“Before I made you in your mother’s womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I chose you for a special work. I chose you to be a prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5, ERV)

Ascertaining Purpose

Jeremiah was fortunate enough for God to spell out exactly what he was called to do at an unspecified, but young age (v6). Although I feel I’ve recently come the realisation of what my calling is… it’s been a LONG journey. I certainly wouldn’t have objected to finding out like Jeremiah! I find it interesting that God says he chose Jeremiah (or sanctified/ordained in the KJV). In other words, God created him for this role. Did Jeremiah still have a choice about whether to listen to God? Of course. Despite his initial reluctance, I’m pretty sure he would have felt a sense of unfulfilment if he’d opted for a different career instead of the one he was literally made for. Likewise, I believe that you and I are created for something in particular.

Your purpose gives your life meaning and clarity.

You might be excelling in your current job, it might even be the job of your dreams; however, can you truly say it’s what you’ve been called to do? Jeremiah could have been amazing at any number of jobs. Jobs that didn’t carry the headaches and perpetual lamentations of being a prophet. Nevertheless, they wouldn’t have been what God called him to do. From a human perspective, it’s easy to focus on somewhat superficial things like job satisfaction, career progression, and building wealth. I’m not suggesting that you should pursue a dead end job, that makes you miserable, and has you living paycheck to paycheck. I am suggesting that your priority should be to find out what God created you for, and then make that the epicentre of your subsequent decision-making.

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Prioritising Purpose

Compatibility = A state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict (Oxford Dictionary)

As we talked through various subjects with our pre-engagement counsellors, we certainly seemed to be compatible. We agreed on almost everything – a foundation for a happy marriage, right? Not necessarily. Post-uni I was still figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, but I don’t recall ever having a conversation with God to ask what He had created me for. Basically I was still stuck on what my purpose was; therefore, it was impossible to know if we would have been compatible on that front. In hindsight, I was nonchalant about an issue which might have prevented the relationship from proceeding in the first place.

Your purpose should dictate if, or with whom, you have a relationship.

I listened to a relationship series last week in which the speaker mentioned that your priority should be establishing your purpose prior to pursuing a relationship. He used Jesus and Paul as examples of people who would have been hindered by marriage; they knew their purpose, and marriage simply didn’t align with what they were called to do. I’ll admit that the vast majority of people aren’t called to live Jesus/Paul-esque lives. Nevertheless, if you haven’t established your purpose whilst single, then a) you might wrongly pursue marriage, or b) you might rightly pursue marriage, but with the wrong person.

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Compromising Purpose

Assuming everything else was ok (which it wasn’t), our answers to the pre-engagement questions would have formed the basis of an arguably happy marriage. But let’s suppose we had gotten married, and suddenly I have this revelation about what I’ve been called to do, but it’s the opposite of what he feels he’s called to do. Or maybe he’s just unsupportive for other legitimate reasons. In that situation, I’d somehow have to find a compromise that keeps my marriage in tact, but also gives me the freedom to pursue my calling.

The trouble is, this isn’t a disagreement over something inane or arbitrary… it concerns THE single most important thing about my life. I’m more than happy to compromise on where we have dinner, how we spend a date, or what furniture to buy. However, purpose is always linked to service and helping others; therefore, someone somewhere will be affected if you stifle your calling.

Your purpose exists for the benefit of others.

Compromising on how I live out my calling seems absurd. Not because I can’t have my own way, but because others are depending on me to live it to the fullest capacity. Imagine marrying someone with whom you share, or have similar callings. Your union will be incredibly powerful because you have a shared vision. I’m not saying people with different callings would have miserable marriages, however, some callings are genuinely incompatible and it’s far better to establish this prior to marriage.

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Applied

Why should I invest time in ascertaining my purpose?

1. Highlights if marriage is even for you
2. Encourages you to pray more specifically about your future spouse i.e. someone who would suit your calling and vice versa
3. Saves you from future heartache and frustration if your callings aren’t compatible
4. Gives you peace about the “why am I here?” and “what should I do with my life?” type of questions

How do I do it?

I’m no guru in this area, so I can only share what worked for me. As I mentioned earlier, I wish God would have just announced my purpose like He did with Jeremiah. Figuring out my purpose/calling (I’ve pretty much used them interchangeably throughout) involved a lot of prayer, reflection, and introspection. I basically had to be honest with myself about the 4 questions below:

1. What do I enjoy?
2. What am I good at?
3. Which careers overlap both categories?
4. How can those careers be used to serve others?

I know that you might be thinking “I’m good at lots of things that I enjoy which I can also use to serve others – how do I know which one?” Honestly, I really don’t know. In my case, one thing stood out in particular, but there were several peripheral things that I will also be pursuing.

Alternatively, you might be thinking “people in the Bible (e.g. Moses) were called to do things things they didn’t enjoy or think they were good at – what if that’s me?” I took the approach above because it would allow me to focus on my gifts, which I strongly believe God wants us to cultivate, and in some cases we’re just naturally good at.

Have genuine faith that He will let you know what you’re supposed to do, and that He’ll redirect you if you’re wrong. The necessity of prayer can never be overstated.

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So…

Marriage isn’t for everyone. However, if your purpose would be enhanced by marriage, then please ensure that you aim for the best: a marriage with complementary callings.