A few months ago, I reluctantly began reading a book entitled Discovering The Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair. The reasons why I started reading this book escape me; it may have had something to do with the fact that when it came to my understanding of how women think, I was just about as clueless as could be. I say ‘was’ but in reality, even after reading the book, I still am a bit clueless. That’s not to say reading the book did not help because the astute amongst you will have noticed that before reading the book I was completely clueless, but now I’m just a bit clueless. In this post I will talk about my five main takeaways which will hopefully whet your appetite for more.
The 5 Takeaways
I should also say that this book was written for married men, but the lessons also apply if you are in a serious relationship; one heading to marriage.
1. Women want to love us
“Have you ever asked yourself, ‘Have I been the kind of person my wife has been able to love?’ Or even better have you ever asked your wife, ‘Have I been the kind of person you love to love?’”
In the midst of an argument or when your wife/girlfriend is being particularly jarring for reasons that you cannot comprehend, it is really hard to believe that she really wants to love you. Especially in a situation where you believe that you are at no fault whatsoever (we always are, so honestly its much better to assume we’ve done something wrong unless otherwise stated – more on this in takeaway #2). According to Nair, in the midst of a heated argument your wife/girlfriend is desperately trying to find reasons to love you and as men it is our duty to give them those reasons. We are to be introspective at all moments and seek to calm the fires rather than give them fuel. Doing this however requires us to let go of our pride and accept that our women (assuming you have found yourself a godly woman) do not make us uncomfortable (a PC way of saying ‘give us hell’) for no good reason. At every moment your wife/girlfriend is trying to find reasons to love you and you have to give them to her.
2. Men are the key to the problem
“One of the lessons we have to learn is how to see ourselves in God’s frame of reference.”
Believing that we are at no fault in any given situation is just us refusing to be introspective and thinking that we have the moral high ground. However, if we as men always look at ourselves using God’s frame of reference, which is Christ, then there is no way we can absolve ourselves of any blame. In every encounter we are to inspect our hearts and we will see that there are traces of un-Christlikeness that need to be sorted out. We are to constantly reflect Christ and if we do so then that will take us a step closer to solving any disputes that arise in our relationships. But we have to make the first move and our partners will follow. Hence, we are the key to the problem – meaning we have the power to solve it.
3. Women are not insecure for no reason
“I had to accept that something in my character made her feel insecure”
As men we have to admit we love the attention of women, it makes us feel good. But we tend to love it a bit too much. Too many of us blame our partners when they see us talking to other women and start to feel jealous and insecure. We regurgitate the common phrase, ‘you don’t have to worry about her hun, she’s just a friend’. The author of the book says we ought to examine ourselves more in these situations to see if there is something in us that is making our partner’s feel this way. If she felt secure in her relationship with you then she would not be worried about who you’re talking to. Some of us pay more attention to other women than we do to our own partners and then we tell them to stop worrying. As men we ought to realise that we have a responsibility to make our wives/girlfriends feel secure in our love and know that they are the only ones whose attention we desire.
4. Hearing does not equal listening
Say this to yourself and repeat it over and over again: ‘hearing is not listening’. Many times, as men we enter into a conversation with our partners and suddenly they accuse us of not listening and we say, ‘yes I was!’, and proceed to repeat every word she said. To which she would probably say, ‘that’s not what I meant’, and then walk away exasperated leaving you perplexed as to what just happened. If this scenario seems familiar to you then try and think back to the moment it happened and really focus on what your wife/girlfriend was saying to you. Women, to my exasperation and probably yours too, almost never directly say how they feel. They will tell you about their day, what they did and how hard it was and as a man it is your responsibility (remember takeaway #2) to decipher the information and really understand what she is trying to tell you. She may be wanting you to listen and understand that she is really tired and doesn’t feel like cooking that night. She won’t come out and say this, but she expects you to know. We always say, ‘well if you don’t tell me, how am I meant to know?’; when the fact is they have told us, but we were not listening.
5. Be Christlike
“Likewise, husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church…” (Ephesians 5:25)
In every situation we find ourselves in, we must seek to emulate Christ. If we reflected Christ, then we would always be listening to the hearts of our partners. We would be men that our partners feel secure being in a relationship with. We would understand that we hold the key to dealing with all our relationship issues. And finally, we would be men that our wives/girlfriends love to love.
To gain more insights into the practical steps to take to becoming a better husband/potential husband, then I would strongly recommend that you read the book. Whilst it may not completely decipher the mystery that is the female mind, it will give you insights that will help you navigate that maze.